Week 27

According to my ticker, the baby is now the size of an eggplant.  I remember when I first started this blog, he was the size of a blueberry!

I know that it's been such a long time since I've kept up with my blog, but honestly, things have been going so well with my pregnancy that there really hasn't been anything to write about.

My sweet baby boy is so healthy and strong.  He's kicking and tumbling around in there.  Although he's starting to run out of room, his movements are becoming a tiny bit restricted, and he's not liking his new surroundings very much.

Ok, so I'm almost 28 weeks... but if you were to see me, you'd think I'm almost ready to pop at any minute.  Yeaaah... what shoes!?  That's me... and that's my belly... and there's my feet somewhere underneath all of that.  I could literally walk around wearing two different shoes and not even notice!

Let's talk a little bit about what not to say to a pregnant woman who looks big...

1. Are you sure there's only one in there?
2. Oh my, you are HUGE!
3. I don't think you'll make it to your due date.
4. You'd better watch what you're eating!
5. You'll give birth to a toddler.

Ok?  I could go on and on about the comments I've been receiving, and I haven't been too kind with the responses because I just assume that person is an asshole and waddle on.  Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, I do know how babies are made... no it's none of your business if I've been "trying" or if it's a "surprise"... and most importantly, don't demand that I be done after this baby is born.  People have no idea what I've been through to get here, and seriously, they don't deserve to know.  But please be sensitive to us pregnant ladies... you don't know the story behind all of us... and just remember that it's just polite to say "congratulations."  By the way... my pedi lady was about to have her teeth kicked in this afternoon because believe it or not, most of those comments came from her all in one sitting!

Positive thoughts... positive thoughts... ahhhhh... my baby.  Let's talk about him.  :)  I can't tell you how much in love I am with this little guy.  Or maybe I've already told you?  I don't remember. Anyway... Everything I do, I do it for him from the food I choose to eat, to making sure that I choke down at least a gallon of water a day.  I make sure that I'm not out in the heat for a long period of time, and I've been nesting like a mama bird preparing for a huge winter storm.

I've been waiting so long for this precious little one, and nothing is good enough for him right now.  Even though my life has been turned upside down, I'm always worried about the horrible "what-if's" ... do you know what I mean?  Like.. what if there's a cord accident?  Or what if I get into a car accident and he's injured?  I feel like I'm always preparing for the worst, even though I've been trying to focus on bringing my sweet baby home.

It sucks having those experiences in the past.  Going to the hospital pregnant only to come home empty handed.  I look down and see my beautiful baby bump and loving every minute I have with him... every kick, every punch or nudge... I cherish it all.  I just want to bring him home.

I'm more than halfway done, that's the good news.  I'm surrounded by love and support and so much excitement, and I have no reason to doubt that everything will be just fine.  But for some reason, I have a sadness inside of my heart that just won't go away.

Dear Little Monkey,

Sweet baby, I love you more than anything.  I feel like you and I have this bond that nobody can break.  I know that you can hear my voice, and you respond to me whenever I talk or sing to you.  I watch your video from your last ultrasound 3 weeks ago, and I fall in love all over again.  You are so beautiful to me, my handsome little man.  I can't wait for you to be here...

This pic has been my wallpaper on my iPhone and whenever I feel blue, or whenever I just need to smile, I look at you...

Can I just ask one teensy weensy favor? Ok, when the clock says 2:00 am., that means mommy needs to go to sleep... not time for you to see how you're going to make it from one side of my uterus to the other side.  It kind of sucks when I'm halfway asleep to feel your attempts to change positions.  But I am proud of you, sweetie, for believing in yourself.  LOL!  Such a strong little guy... but save it for the cage when you become a UFC fighter, ok?  Are we good?

Love, Mommy  ;)

18 weeks and counting...

Hello my little one...

What an exciting week it's been for us!  First, a trip to California to visit family and THEN a pit-stop at DISNEYLAND!  I know, I know... that was a mistake.  Although I'm only 18 weeks, I'm carrying more like I'm 30 weeks, so all of that walking around for 12 hours was like inviting leg cramps and swollen feet to the party.  I had such a wonderful time, though.  You were a champ and were either excited or extremely annoyed by all of the attention and voices that surrounded us the whole time we were there.

The day after we came home from our long trip, I had an appointment to see you on ultrasound for your anatomy scan.  Oh my sweet little baby boy, I love seeing you.  I'm sure you weren't happy when the tech woke you up so she could get you to turn around, (which you did). You kicked and punched and gave everyone a hard time.  Still, I'm so proud of you, and I'm so in love with you.

We've finally chosen a name for you that everyone seems to agree with.  I love talking to you and calling you by name... I love feeling you move inside of me, and I'm guilty of listening to your precious heart beat at least twice a day.

I also love knowing that even though we have a house full of people, they can't feel you move just yet. It's like it's between me and you for these precious few weeks until you get bigger and stronger to where others can see and feel what I've been feeling all along.  But right now, you're all mine, and I treasure every little kick and squirm... except when I have a full bladder.  Ugh.

16 weeks... and it's a BOY!

"Sleep" was a foreign word for me last night as I tossed and turned and kept getting up to walk around to help quiet my mind and nerves.  I knew that in a matter of hours, dh and I would find out if this little monkey banging around in me is a boy or a girl.

Looks like we can breathe a sigh of relief as I kiss that gorgeous "dream princess crib" away and welcome my handsome little man who has yet to be named.

Ok, I lied just a little bit.  I've been calling him Mason, but dh isn't sold on the name yet.  HE is absolutely gorgeous.  When the ultrasound tech showed us that this baby is ALL BOY, I broke down in tears and cried such happy tears.  There he is!  My little boy.  My son.  He is so very healthy and looks absolutely amazing even though my 13 year-old daughter insists that he looks like he's melting in the 3d image. LOL!

But it's my boy, and I'm so in love.  

I can feel him kicking and moving already.  Especially when I'm laying on my left side, or on my back.  He's most active during the evening when I'm trying to sleep... and it's only going to get crazier as he continues to grow.  He's a busy little guy in there!  

So far I've only gained 3 pounds with this pregnancy... I have a feeling that will change in the near future as I've been craving POTATOES.  I'll take a snickers bar, too, if you have one.  But other than that, I've been managing to eat like a normal person.  Like I said... that will probably be changing really soon.

16 weeks pregnant... I have a few symptoms that I'm not so crazy about.  My boobs are still killing me, and we don't want to talk about the nips.  Let's just say they're of National Geographic size. I'm still dealing with being tired and just wanting to sleep all day.  I thank my friends for keeping me out of the house to join the rest of the world at least 3 times a week.

Then there's the insomnia.  Right?  I just flipped that on you, didn't I.  Sleep all day... up all night.  I guess it's not really insomnia, then.  I just need to get my clock back on track.  The doctor said that it's ok to take Benadryl before going to bed to help me sleep, but the problem with that is that I can't wake up!!

I need better remedies.

Other than that... I'm going to get ready to prepare for our son's arrival by actually shopping for him.  I think it's safe to say that he's going to be here. I can't believe how fast all of this has been going.  I remember crying for years because I couldn't get pregnant.  Now I'm rushing to get everything ready for the baby I've wanted for so long.... My son.  Who may or may not be named Mason.  :) 

Meltdown in the Barn

I'm eleven weeks pregnant this week, and I look (and feel) more like six months with a belly that's bigger than my best friend's who's around 20 weeks.  Ok, so I know I wasn't in the best of shape prior to starting the whole IVF process, but I didn't plan on showing so soon.  I've even tried sucking in my stomach to see if I still looked pregnant, and yup... I totally do.  So why bother?  Let loose, and accept the bump.

After throwing my back out a few days ago and spending two days trying hard to lay in a position which allowed me to BREATHE pain-free... I decided that at the first moment I began to feel somewhat better, I was going to get the hell out of my room and do some major shopping.  As. I. Should.

I went to the mall and hit up Pottery Barn first, bought a few cute things for my living room... like this really cute birdhouse (the one on the left) and these really pretty lanterns... so naturally, I was happy.

I walked out of the store and went directly next door to Pottery Barn Kids.  I stood outside for a minute contemplating if I should even bother walking in since the thought of shopping for the baby stressed the crap out of me.  But I did.  I walked in.  And I was in cutesy hell.

I've always decorated my other children's rooms with bedding from Pottery Barn.  Look, you get what you pay for, and my kids are always beasts when it comes to taking care of their things... including the beds that they sleep in.  So when their beds look nice even though their rooms resembled the orphanage that little Annie grew up in, I was able to pat myself on the back and call myself a good mother because at least my children were sleeping under expensive duvets.

I passed all of the adorable toddler beds and toys and all of the "we-hope-you-have-a-girl-cuz-our-girl-stuff-is-way-cuter-than-the-boy-stuff" fluff when I entered baby heaven.

I looked up and saw this bird baby mobile hanging above me, and it stopped me in my tracks.  True, it looks like something I could make myself, but I just stood there and cried.  Why I cried, I'm not even sure... but I did.  Those crazy baby hormones got the best of me in front of EVERYONE there in the Barn's baby section.

Thank goodness I look like a huge pregnant cow so people could see that I was hormonal and not just a fluffy woman crying for no reason.

I have to have that baby mobile.  I am so drawn to bird things because birds remind me of my grandfather who bred several different types of birds in his backyard.  I have to have that baby mobile because my heart melted into a puddle of heart goo inside of my chest.  I have to have that baby mobile because... well... because it made me cry.

I held off on buying the mobile for reasons I really can't explain, and I went to Motherhood and pretty much pulled one of everything off of the racks and bought it.  I LOVE the maternity clothes that they have... I only wish those clothes were available a decade or two ago.  When I look back on the hideousness that I wore when I was pregnant with my first daughter (who's almost 20 years old now!), I can't help but weep for my younger self.  Back then I knew I looked ridiculous, but I had no other choice but to wear those overalls. Freaking yikes.  I'm sorry, young self.

It's 4:00 am and I'm not sleeping.  This is nuts.  Is this nature's way of preparing me for what's coming?  Long, sleepless nights with a hungry baby?  Bring it.

9 weeks

Oh man, I hope I don't have a girl.  I'm serious... I WILL throw all sensibility out of the window and buy this crib for my little princess to NOT sleep in because she'll probably end up next to me anyway..

It's been 13 years since I've had a child, and I have no idea what I'll be needing or where to even begin.  But if that crib is my starting point, then we're in a heap of trouble because I lack self-control when it comes to all things girlie.

If we have a boy, then I will go with traditional and adorable... so in a few more weeks, we will find out if we are going to be poor.

Why is it that there are more adorable things for girls than there are for boys??  Aren't boys supposed to be just as much fun to shop for as girls?  Whenever I walk by the newborn girl section of any store, I stop and stare and ooohhhh and awwwww... but I don't really do that with the boy's section.  They just stick really big pictures of frogs and puppies and dinosaurs on the front of the outfit and call it a day.

If we have a boy, he will dress like his daddy.  There.  It's settled.

Speaking of baby... we've graduated from the RE's office!  Yaaaay!  Baby looked so adorable and was wiggling around on the ultrasound monitor.  My official OB appointment is next week, Tuesday, and I can't wait to get in to see my dr.  She's been with me through thick and thin.  She's helped me through so many losses, and I'm just excited to show her our "keeper."

I'm still feeling like blah between the hours of 2am and 2pm.  After that 2pm., I try to eat anything I can find somewhat appealing.  Lately it's been jello cups with fruit and mandarin oranges.  I can do peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but dinnertime in my home sends me to my room like a prisoner because I can't handle the smell of food cooking.

I've been told that this morning sickness will let up a little by the time I'm in my second trimester.  I'm hoping that memo reaches my little one because I'm a few weeks away, and I'd LOVE nothing more than to sit down to dinner with my family and actually enjoy it.  It's like the baby is telling me "Oh, you're HUNGRY, Mom?  Does that food look GOOD??  Try it!  Just one bite so I can send you running to the bathroom.  Get me a fruit cup, woman!!"

Here's a newer pic of the little one:

It's sooo grainy, but you can see the munkee up at the top looking like he/she wants to give you a hug.  Heart is pounding away at 176bpm and this baby is happy and healthy.  That's all that matters.  :)

Spotting, stomach flu... What an eventful week!

Wow, where do I even begin this entry?  It's 11:00pm on a Friday night, and I can't wait for the clock to strike 12 so I can officially call it a week and put it to rest.

Monday, I was 7 weeks 2 days when I noticed that I was spotting.  It wasn't a bright red or pink type of spotting, but more of a clear brownish tint.  Put it this way, it was enough to shock the hell out of me and send me to the emergency room at 9pm because I'm completely level-headed that way.

While in triage, the nurse who was taking my vitals asked me all of the common "how far along are you?"  "are you cramping?"  "are you bleeding heavy enough to soak a pad?" questions, and I started to feel silly and embarrassed for being there because my only answer to all of those questions was "Ummm, no.  I'm just tinting this tan/light brown/clearish color.."

Since it wasn't a true emergency, and after having my blood taken and a urine sample was given, I was sent back out into the waiting room so that others who were there with TRUE emergencies could have the bed that I would have been in.  No problem... DH and I sat in the children's are because Mary Poppins was playing on their TV, and since the area was empty, we made ourselves comfortable for the next hour.  I was thankful for that because I knew what was coming next.... the ultrasound.

I just knew that I was about to miscarry.  Why else would I have been spotting?  All of my other miscarriages started out that way... I would spot... the spotting would eventually get heavier... then it would all be over and I'd leave the hospital un-pregnant.  So waiting for the ultrasound tech to call my name was excruciating.  So, thank you Mary Poppins, you annoying freak, for helping me get through that.  A spoon full of sugar, indeed.

Tech on MUTE

Ok, so I get the whole "I'm not a dr., just a tech, so I can't tell you anything I'm seeing on the ultrasound screen" thing... but OMG!  It was bad enough waiting for the tech to call me, but to call me and then not say anything to me other than "Disrobe from the waist down" and "Can you please insert this probe?" and "Don't ask any questions.  The dr. will go over all of your results later." and then proceed to probe my personal area was BEYOND awkward.  But that's exactly what happened.  I just wanted her to tell me that she saw the baby's heartbeat, but the fact that she sat there stone-faced the entire time led me to believe that my gut feeling was accurate, and I had lost the baby.

After another hour of waiting in the waiting room, we were finally called back to a bed where the dr. was going to give me the bad news, tell me how sorry he was, and give me my options.  But that didn't happen...

Dr. I Dunno

A rather young, tall, thin man with wire-rimmed glasses introduced himself as the Dr. and pulled a chair up next to me prepared to give me the results from all of my tests, including the ultrasound report.

"Well, I'm not sure why you're spotting, but the baby looks great and has a gorgeous little heartbeat.."

I couldn't believe he was telling me this.  I was waiting for him to tell me he was reading someone else's results, but nope, those results were for me!

"My baby is ok?" I asked.

"Sure.  Why wouldn't it be?" he responded.

"Because I'm spotting... ?" was all I could come up with.

"Spotting is very normal in the first trimester.  Your hormones are doing what they're supposed to be doing, and sometimes you will spot for no reason whatsoever.  Now, if you were bleeding and cramping, then we would have something to be concerned about.  But your levels look great, your baby looks great, you're not running a fever... so I'm sending you home with orders to rest until the spotting subsides and come back if things start to get worse.  Ok?"

So, I got to leave the hospital "still pregnant" and with good news.  I wasn't sure why I was spotting, either, but I knew that the baby was ok, and that's all I cared about.

Sharing the BLAHHHH'S

A couple of days after the spotting scare, I was feeling very good and secure knowing that my little munkee was safe and sound inside of me.  Then "inside of me" declared war on my entire body.  I couldn't keep ANYTHING in.. not even water.  I panicked.  Oh, that's nothing.  You should have seen how freaked out I was when I took my temp and it was 102.3 degrees.  I just KNEW that my baby inside of me was getting boiled alive... so I went back to the hospital. :0/

This time, it really was an emergency.  A pregnant woman should never let her temperature go above 101 degrees because it CAN be potentially harmful to the baby, and I wasn't embarrassed to be there and was ready for my bed because I was about to recreate a scene from Bridesmaids in the waiting room.  (You know which scene I'm referring to...)

Again, the fear of damaging my little baby from running such a high fever, coupled with severe dehydration were worse than any symptoms I was feeling at that moment.  I couldn't care less how sick I was... I just wanted my baby to be ok.

This time I had a different ultrasound tech.  Even though she didn't share what it was she was seeing on the screen, she did reassure me by talking about the baby as though it was still alive, which was code for "Your baby is fine" to me, and I was so grateful.

After two bags of fluids to rehydrate me, medicine to calm the nausea, and confirmation that the baby was still alive and kicking... I left the hospital, once again... still pregnant.

Today's follow-up

Because of the crazy and eventful week, I kind of cheated on my RE and went to my OBGYN before being "officially released" for my follow-up.  I have an appointment next week for my official release, so I'll go ahead and keep that... I just wanted to follow up with my ob just to get that ball rolling.  I was able to finally see the baby on ultrasound, and nothing was kept from me.

Wanna see my baby?  She's a cutie little gummy bear measuring 8 weeks, 2 days (a whole 2 days ahead of schedule!).  She was even moving around a little inside of me.  The most precious sight I've seen in such a long time...

Ok, she has an alien head, but OMG... I totally love her alien head.  And why do I keep referring to the baby as a her?  I dunno... I guess I've changed my mind and am convinced this baby is a she... so until proven otherwise, little munkee is a girl.

4 minutes until tomorrow... and I'm ready to stick a fork in it.  Until next week...

7 weeks 1 day

Hello, my sweetest little munkee baby inside of me.  I can't stop thinking about you, and every single day that you remain inside of me, is one more day that I celebrate knowing that for now, you're ok.

I keep watching the video I took of our first ultrasound on Friday.  I can't get over the fact that you're actually in there, heart beating and all.  Sometimes I cry when I watch the video... sometimes I giggle.. but there is no denying that I fall in love with you more and more whenever the thought of you enters my mind.

I can't wait to see you again in another week or so.  I'm so anxious to see just how big you've grown.  I also can't wait to hear your precious little heart beating... by then you should be almost 9 weeks.  How incredible!

According to a website, you are now the size of a blueberry.



How the heck am I going to enjoy blueberries, munkee!? I can't wait until you're the size of an onion or something so that I can enjoy fruit again without thinking horrible thoughts.

I'm still more sleepy than anything, and getting me motivated to go anywhere is like trying to drag a hibernating bear out of a cave.  For people who have never been pregnant, or who've forgotten what this exhaustion is like, they don't understand and get grumpy with me... but it's ok.  I know I'm feeling this way because of you, beautiful one.

Last night we went to a fish fry... what was I thinking?  The smell of fried fish almost sent me over the edge of "Holy crap I'm gonna hurl!" the moment I walked in.  But thank goodness your grandmother saved us a seat OUTSIDE, so it wasn't so bad.

Speaking of your grandparents... they are very excited about you.  I haven't made the "Official Announcement" just yet to the world, but they are having no problems making that announcement for me.  That's ok.  We need their support... and I'm so glad that we have it.  They want you as much as I do, and to me, that's sweeter than apple pie.

Grow, my little one.  I'll do everything I can to keep you safe and nourished.  Mommy loves you...

One little monkey...

This morning I got out of bed at 6:00am after a long sleepless night.  I was so nervous about the ultrasound that I couldn't close my eyes and rest my mind.  There was no peace.

"What if it's a blighted ovum?"
"What if there's a baby, but no heartbeat?"
"What if there's absolutely NOTHING there at all?"

All of those things were running through my head, and I wished I could take an Ambien just so I could fall asleep.  But of course I didn't do that... you know... just in case there really is a baby inside.

My appointment was for 9:00am, and I arrived at 8:30 and sat in the parking lot guzzling down the water that I forgot to drink before leaving.  I didn't want to appear too eager by going into the office and waiting there for 30 minutes, so I found a radio station and waited for 15 minutes.

I was also waiting for DH to show up (not so dear husband in this case), but he forgot and ended up missing the appointment all together.  But let's not talk about that.

Sitting in the ultrasound room in my gorgeous paper skirt trying very hard not to play with the di.ldo cam next to me with the con.dom already on it and that goopy blue ultrasound juice inside just BEGGING for me to squish it, I decided to behave and not mess with the equipment.  Instead, I had my phone in my hand ready to record whatever it was that I was about to see on the large monitor on the wall next to me. After waiting for 10 minutes and debating on whether or not the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi rule would apply to me in this situation (my bladder was about to explode!), the doctor and his assistant finally walked in.

Moment of truth

As soon as the wand reached my uterus, I saw one beautiful dark circle with the sweetest little gummy bear looking little baby inside... heart flickering away and everything!  The doctor pointed out the heartbeat to me, and I broke down and cried.  I was relieved.

Yes, we started out with 3 gorgeous looking embies, but only one made it.  I was a little sad about that, but my body knew what it could and couldn't handle.  We are so blessed with this one precious little monkey, and I wouldn't change anything even if I could.

Baby is measuring at 6weeks 4days even though I'm technically 6weeks 6days, but that's totally normal.  It was just amazing to see that tiny little baby inside of me, and it was even more beautiful to hear the heart beating.

Once the ultrasound was over, and it was confirmed that there was only one baby inside, I was left alone in the room to change into my clothes.  I lost it.  I cried so hard.  Not sure what I was crying about... I was just relieved.

Next ultrasound is scheduled for April 11th.  I should be almost 9 weeks by then.  They wanted me to come back next week, but again, I wanted to wait so I could see how much bigger this little monkey gets. I'm so excited!  I hope these two weeks fly by...

Oh, by the way... I got over the food issue.  I can eat... but the things that I loved before makes me nauseous and gag.  Someone gave me some Preggo Pops, and seriously, I don't know what I would do without them.  They're little candies that are sour and help control all of that yucky extra saliva issue.  Oh God, that's seriously gross.

But other than that, my symptoms are more exaggerated now in my 7th week.  Boobs are PAINFUL, and I can never go through a night without having to pee every 30 minutes.  My butt is still so sore and lumpy from the PIO shots, but I only have 3 more weeks before I can finally ditch the needle and sludge.

I'm always tired.  How can one little baby make me so tired and nauseous?  I don't get it!  But I'll gladly accept these symptoms if that means I get my rainbow baby in the end.

I'll post pics from the next ultrasound since the pics I have now aren't all that great, and you really can't see the baby.  But until then, my world is sweet.  :)

Food?? Yes please and no thank you.

So, I went ahead and canceled my ultrasound for tomorrow (crazy, huh?) because I just couldn't imagine going in to see "nothing much"... Ugh, just typing that out makes me sound selfish and nuts, but I'm serious when I say that it would freak me out so much to not see a heartbeat, and I just couldn't do it.  The stress of not seeing anything really is insane, and I chose to wait one more week.

I'm nuts.  Moving on...

Today, I'm 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I couldn't wake up this morning.  I only got out of bed around 8 to pee for the 100th time, to shove the progesterone pill up my ... well... you know where... then I changed out my estrogen patches... and I went back to sleep until I had to pee again at 11.  Then I went back to bed and finally woke up to eat something around 1:00.  Seriously.  I don't know how women who work out of the home while in their early pregnancies do it.  I haven't even been outside today, and it's almost 5pm!  And I'm STILL wearing my pajamas.

I've noticed that I've lost some weight, too.  I can't eat. I know that I have to for the baby but it's been such a struggle since NOTHING sounds good at all.  I've had a bowl of cereal, and that's it even though I'm really hungry right now.  I'm trying so hard to eat, but anything that I do eat tastes horrible, and I end up throwing it away after just a few bites.

I am so in love with the little bean growing inside of me right now.  That's why it's mind boggling how I can't manage to keep anything down when eating has NEVER been an issue for me.

Gorgeous weather outside (that I can see from my bedroom window)... and I plan on juicing and going back to sleep.

I hope this changes soon...

Beta #3 17dp3dt

Thursday, March 15th, 2012 was one of the worst days for playing the waiting game.  It was the beta that would make or break this cycle, and the number had to be at least 12 or 1300 to keep me in the game.  I was so glad that the blood draw was at 7:30 in the morning even though I could hardly move from bed from just feeling so exhausted.

My nurse usually calls by 1:00pm.  It was now 2:30.  Oh God, that had to be a bad sign, right?  I played the whole "Ok, So Name All of the Things that Could be Wrong" game.  Ta daaaa!  Top 5 answers were on the board... you already know the question.  Can I see "RE's office was held up by gunpoint so they couldn't get to the phone!"  Survey says!?  eeeehhhhh.  How about "All phones at the lab have gone out of service due to a freak glitch in the Matrix!!"  Survey says!  eeeehhhhh...

Finally, after hours of convincing myself that my RE was going to call and give me the bad news of "We've actually been giving you someone else's numbers the whole time... you're not really pregnant." the nurse called.  It was 4:00pm when she told me that my beta number was 1491.8.  Squeeee!  Ok, so the number was supposed to be 12 or 1300, so 1491.8 to me is a victory.  I no longer have to go in for blood draws (yaaay!) and my first ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday, March 21st.

I'm not sure how I feel about having an ultrasound scheduled so early.  I mean, I'm very excited to see this little monkey growing inside of me, but at 5 weeks and 5 days, I'm not sure we'll see very much of anything.  I'm very close to rescheduling my appointment.  I want to be at least 7 or 8 weeks along because I know I'll be sick with anxiety if I don't see a heartbeat.  I'm being ridiculous, huh?

Let's talk about symptoms.  Morning sickness has hit.  Although it doesn't happen in the morning for me at all... it's like there's an alarm clock inside of me that goes off at 10:00pm and I can't function.  My head feels so dizzy that I swear it's going to roll off at any minute.  I also run a really high fever and all I want to do is sleep.

Other than that, nothing really new.  Same symptoms as before.. and oddly enough, I'm thankful for those symptoms.

So, I guess I can stop saying 17dp3dt, 18, 19 now 20dp3dt... I'm going to start saying "I'm 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant."  What do you think?  :)

Yesterday's beta number 2

Yesterday was another one of those mornings where I woke up feeling a heaviness in my chest thinking "oh my goodness, I'm 15dp3dt.. what if something is wrong?" as I got ready to leave for my second beta test.

I know my RE said he wanted to see a number of at least 400... that would have been an excellent number, and we would have been happy with that.

When the nurse called me at 1:00 pm, I held my breath and prepared for the worst.

"Your numbers are rising appropriately and are now at 663.6, so we'll see you on Thursday morning for a repeat HCG."

WHAT!?  You they've more than doubled!?  OmG!!  Im so happy.  I mean, I would have loved to have seen an even higher number, but I think I put too much time and energy into those numbers.  As long as they're rising and keep on doubling, then I guess those numbers shouldn't really mean anything, and I have to stop comparing them to women who are pregnant with multiples.

Maybe I'm just sad to think that one of my embies didn't make it.  I'm thankful that one of them did, and this feeling of actually being able to say that I'm pregnant is more than I could have asked for.

So tomorrow is my third and hopefully final beta.  I'm hoping that we can schedule our first ultra sound so we can finally see this little monkey inside of me and hear/see it's precious little heart beating.

My symptoms are still the same... tired, tired tire TIRED.. heartburn like whoa... frequent urination... sore boobs... SOOO thirsty... oh and have I mentioned that I'm tired?  Yeah, because I am.  But nothing has really changed.  I think that's why I keep wondering if I really am pregnant. Is this even real?  The symptoms come and go (except for the fatigue), so I freak out whenever I put a bra on and my boobs aren't screaming for release.

Fun fact for those of us who've struggled with infertility and loss for so long.  Every little symptom (and lack of) counts.

Tomorrow, I'm going to believe that my HCG levels will more than double again.  I'm ready to see this little one on the ultrasound.  So no 1300... Give me 2000!!!

First Beta

I woke up really early yesterday morning feeling unsure about getting my first beta number.  I think it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, fear, dread...  This was the moment of truth.  In a matter of hours, I would know if I'm truly pregnant or if this was going to be another chemical pregnancy.  I was praying for a beta of at least 100 or above at 14dpo (11dp3dt), so when the dr called me (instead of his nurse), I knew the news had to be good.

... and the number is...

100

So far, so good.  I go back for my next beta on Tuesday, so hopefully that number goes up to over 400. Now it's a whole new waiting game.  Uggggh, this train isn't stopping anytime soon.  Full speed ahead.  ;)

Symptoms... still the same.  Tired.  I used to have such a hard time sleeping and could literally go a day or two without it.  Now, I can't make it to 10:00pm without passing out... and that's WITH having a nap or two during the day.

My bb's are fine.  They only hurt or are sore during the evening, but other than that, I don't feel any different.  I feel cold all of the time, which is weird.  Shouldn't I be feeling warmer?

My dr. gave me the green light to stop progesterone injections, but I think I'm going to continue them (I know. Insane huh?) until I see the baby's heart beat.

But first thing first... Getting the second beta.  Ugggggggh.

Ok, so worried about EVERYTHING

Now that the HPT turned out to be positive... I've been worried ALL DAY about whether or not the second line was dark enough.   I just couldn't be happy knowing that it turned positive to begin with.  I had to search blogs and message boards to see if those who've tested positive on 8dp3dt have also tested positive with a faint line... and if so... what was the outcome??

OmG.  Seriously... I'm driving myself crazy!!

Those of you who have landed here because you too are a POAS addict and wondering what the lines mean and "Shouldn't the line be darker??" ... Can I just give you a great big hug and tell you to put the damn things away?  You have your positive... now give yourself two more days before you decide to pee on another stick.  Easier said than done, I know.  Especially since I've had a few chemical pregnancies, and there's nothing worse than watching those pregnancy tests get lighter rather than darker.

I have put the other tests away.  I know there isn't anything that I can do should this pregnancy not continue... whether or not those tests get lighter or darker, it's not in my hands.  I'm going to enjoy just knowing that as of now, there's another line on that test.  For now, I'm pregnant.

We have a munkee...

Yesterday's faint line on the test turned out to be the real thing.  After spending the day napping off and on and feeling like the room was spinning, I went out to dinner and wanted to throw up from the smell of fish and shrimp and all things that once lived under the sea.  I couldn't WAIT to get the hell out of there!

My sense of smell is crazy right now.  I could smell my daughter's perfume from the other room, and I wanted to wait for her to leave so I could hide it so that she wouldn't wear it ever again.  I noticed this new heightened sense of smell last night when I was laying in bed and smelled dirty feet.  Not sure who's feet were stinky, I just knew that I wanted everyone in the house to take a shower.

Oh, and I could smell my hair.  Yuck.  And I used to LOVE my shampoo!!

My symptoms today are:

More pain in my boobs... like the "Oh, they look like shiny bowling balls... don't touch them or I'll rip your head off." kind of pain.

Soooo sleepy... and when I do sleep, I get some of the craziest dreams.  I'm careful with what I think about before nodding off.

Dizzy... Like I feel the room spinning

I had a bloddy nose last night and then again today.  So weird...

ALWAYS thirsty.  I go through more water bottles a day than I've ever had.

I'm ready

After years of infertility, losses and heartbreak... I pray that this little one sticks.  I have so many plans... so much life to live.  I can't wait for our family to be complete.

6dp3dt

Today I woke up feeling like the walls around me were closing in... and I had such an unsettling feeling that this cycle was a bust.  Why did I feel this way?  I'm not sure.  I just wanted to crawl underneath my blankets and hide there until AF showed her face so I could figure out where to go from there.

Then I decided to POAS.  Why?  I don't even know.  I was so shocked to see the slightest second line appear on a First Response test, and I NEVER get a false positive on those no matter what.  I just carried that test around thinking "hmmmmm... could this be?? There's no way..."

I'm praying that this is the beginning of what's to come next.  I'm praying that we have one or two healthy little bebe's inside of me.

I'm praying that this has worked.

No real symptoms to speak of other than what I've already been feeling since the day of transfer.  Nothing better or worse, so I have really nothing to talk about. I just want to stay positive.

Stick little beans.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much and want you here...

5dp3dt

I slept gloriously last night and didn't even bother crawling out of bed until well after 10:00am.  Other than the fact that I woke up 4 or 5 times to use the bathroom, I was pretty much wrapped in my comforter, snuggled in between pillows and probably snoring from feeling so exhausted.

They should market progesterone shots as a sleep aid.  I used to have to take Tylenol PM or SOMETHING just to help me get to sleep.  Now that I've been injecting this sludge into my butt every night, I can't keep my eyes open past 11:00pm.

I received an email from my clinic stating that I have to start using a progesterone insert in addition to the PIO shots.  Seriously?  How am I going to stay awake during the day?!

I also have to add one more Estrogen patch to the two that I'm already wearing.  This is freaking me out.  Why are they increasing my dosages?  I thought all of this stuff was pretty much working because of the side effects that I've been feeling.  Does this mean that the IVF isn't going to work because my hormone levels are low?  I wish they would have told me why... or what's going on.  But it was a sweet, short and to-the-point email in my portal which ended with a positive note and a smiley face.

Grrrr.

As far as symptoms are concerned, this morning I'm feeling a little bit sore in my uterus.  Not sure if that has anything to do with anything, but it is different.  Everything else is the same except the swelling in my stomach has gone down even more.  It's taken five days after the transfer for the swelling to go away.  Oh, and my face is all flushed and hot like I was sitting outside on a summer day for 10 minutes... That's because I'm half vampire, and the sun burns my skin if I don't find shade.

I'm not POAS today.  I figured that it would be a waste, and I don't think I could handle seeing a BFN, so I'll just enjoy the day by watching some really good movies (Junebug and Eternal Shine of the Spotless Mind), do some light cleaning and maybe catch up with friends.

I've been avoiding everyone because I haven't told any of them what I've been going through.  They have no idea of the journey we've been on these past few weeks, and for some reason, I'm just not ready to share.

4dp3dt

Here I am, four days past my 3 day transfer, and I'm feeling GREAT!  Is that a good thing?  Should I be feeling anything else?  I'm not sure, but I'm up and about and getting back into the swing of things.

For the past three days, I've literally been parked on the couch, bed or lazy-boy following my dr.'s strict rules of "nothing that will cause your uterus to bounce around".  My entire life is one big bounce house, so following those rules has been nothing short of keeping a wild animal caged because I'm like a toddler who can't sit still... but I did it!!  Thinking about the possible positive outcome is worth vegging out if that means we'll get our take home baby.

Trash TV & Queen

I've watched all sorts of trash tv and wondered how people get through life not knowing who the father of their children are and have to take lie detector tests to prove what their spouses have already suspected.  I've also passed some major judgment on the ladies from The View and vowed to never watch the show again.  I'm all caught up on Teen Mom and secretly feel jealous that those little bricks got pregnant in the first place.  ANNNND I've finally searched the lyrics for Bohemian Rhapsody, so I feel complete.

Well HELLO Dolly!

Today, I've been out all morning (literally).  Almost didn't make it to my 7:30 blood draw appointment to check my E2 and Progesterone levels.  I was rushing to the dr.'s office wondering why I had to go in the first place.  Then I looked down because something caught my eye.  My boobs have doubled in size, and I felt like they were trying to eat my necklace.  So I zipped up my hoodie... (put them away!)

As far as symptoms are concerned, like I said, I really don't have any other than possibly D cups, a swollen belly, and endless sleepiness.  I can probably thank the progesterone shots for all of that, though, since it's waaay too early to be pregnancy symptoms.

Have stick? Will pee.

Being the POAS addict that I am, I went this morning to the store and stocked up on a ton of pregnancy tests to pee on in the next few days.  Ohhh yeah, I'm one of THOSE who test out my HCG trigger shot by purchasing a basket full of dollar tree pregnancy tests and proceeding to piss on every single one until I'm convinced the trigger shot has left my system.

Speaking of which, I have to tell you, if you work at a store (any store) and someone approaches your counter with a gazillion pregnancy tests to purchase, please try as hard as you can to not say something stupid (or whatever you consider to be clever at the moment) such as "Wow! You really want to make sure, don't cha?" and proceed to tell me about how you didn't know you were pregnant for 3 months because you weren't trying.   I'm capable of responding with something as equally annoying.

Soooo, now that I've taken a few tests and I'm totally convinced that my trigger is completely out of my system, I'll know that any line I see from here on out will be the "real thing"... So let the games begin.

3dp3dt

I think I'm just about normal again... Other than the huge bruises and bumps from the progesterone injections (PI) on my backside, and my boobs that feel like they're about to fall off at any moment if they're not in my bra, I feel ... boring.

One more week to find out if any of this has worked.  I don't know why I feel so down today. Just blah.  I just want to sleep all day long, and it's depressing.

What's Going On?

Because I'm so bored, I did some searches on what's going on with my embies right now, and this is what I found out..  Kind of interesting!

 3-DAY TRANSFER:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So, today, 3dpt, my blastocyst is hatching out of the shell. So weird. Why do I know this? xD

2dp3dt

I finally feel "normal" again this morning even after a really bad night.  I couldn't get comfortable, and I had the worst dreams ever.  I don't know if it's the stress of not knowing what's going to happen or how this will all turn out, but I woke up crying and feeling like I was in a sauna.

Today will be better, though.  Little pain... and the bloating seems to have calmed down.  I'll keep my appointment with my RE this afternoon to make sure everything really is "Ok".   In the meantime, my embies should be hatching and finding a spot to call "home" for the next 9 months.

A burrito sounds glorious.  ;)

1dp3dt... or PUPO!

I'm officially in the dreaded TWW, but omg... I'm officially pregnant until proven otherwise.  Wanna see my embies?  Because I have three inside of me as I type...

First, I have to say that I did one of the most bonehead things EVER before going to the appointment.  I knew that I had to drink 24 oz of water before I arrived, but after taking 2 valium (because I felt that 1 wouldn't be enough), I had a difficult time making good decisions.  So, I drank two 16 ounce bottles of water instead.  *sigh*

I told the nurse that I had to relieve myself before I exploded, she told me to go ahead and count to 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi... then hold.  So I did that.  No problem!  Then I felt like I had to compensate for the missing pee by drinking three more bottles of water.

Ok?

Screw Mississippi.  I had to piss soooo bad that the doctor had to stop the entire transfer to let me go 3 Mississippi before I exploded.  I couldn't even walk... I was in SOOO much pain.  I counted to maybe 4 or 5 and prayed that I would make it the rest of the procedure.

Ok, so if you've been through a ton of ultrasounds, you kind of know what's what.  I remember looking at the screen and noticing that my bladder looked like a huge hot air balloon on it's side, so every time the dr tried to insert the speculum, I wanted to scream.

Unfortunately, the entire transfer experience was excruciating because I wanted to over compensate for not having exactly 24 ounces of water in my bladder.  So I suggest those of you going in to your transfer, make sure you don't drink too much water.  They can see your uterus JUST FINE without 64 ounces.  Like dh said... I had a 40 plus a Tall Boy in my bladder.  xD

PUPO

I was told before the transfer (I think, because I was totally LOADED from my one extra valium) that I had 5 embies, and the 3 best embies were grade 2 at 6-8 cells.  The other two were going to be checked to see if they would make it to 5 days, and if so, then they would be frozen.  I'll find out tomorrow if we will have frosties!

We were given the option to cancel our implant and wait to see if our 3 day embies made it to 5 day blasts, but then we ran the risk of losing all of them.  So we decide to proceed with our transfer of 3 day embies.  We were warned that we could have twins or triplets!  I'm praying at least one of those little guys makes it.

Bed-rest, Movies & Bean Burrito

For the rest of the day, I was still in lots of pain.  Not sure if it was from the actual transfer, irritated bladder, pain from the retrieval, or all of the above, but I was just totally uncomfortable.  Not to mention BLOATED.  I seriously look 5 months pregnant already.  I kept pushing on my belly like "What is THIS!?"  So naturally I thought the best thing to eat was a bean burrito.  God, that valium must have controlled my brain longer than I had thought.  That room was seriously flammable.

I stayed in bed and watched Puss in Boots (OoOoOOh!), Kung Foo Panda 2 and Final Destination 5.  That helped so much to keep my mind off of things.  I didn't fall asleep until 2am and had the weirdest dreams.  Like I beat up an old lady for taking my parking space.  :0/

1DP3DT

Still feeling some pain, cramping and I'm really uncomfortable.  Not to mention that the PIO shots seriously SUCK... And I still look 5 months pregnant.  Maybe I should just get used to looking like this.

I hope so...  :)

Eggs in a basket

Friday, February 24, 2012 was my egg retrieval day.  I was so nervous, and I had no idea what to expect even though I had spent the entire night before retrieval reading everything there was to know about ER.  I even watched youtube videos and vlogs of women who've been there and done that, so I wanted to be completely prepared.

Guess what?  I wasn't.

Ok, someone out there (me?) needs to point out how much of a walk-in-the-park this experience HASN'T been.  I was comforted watching other people say "Oh wow, it didn't hurt at all..." and "Yeah, it feels a little bit like menstrual cramps."

I have a BS card, and I'm waving it in faces because my experience was COMPLETELY different.

Wait...

I was taken back into the prep room where the nurse attempted to hook me up to the IV.  She completely blew my vein on my left hand even after I told her that my veins on the right side were way better.  So she apologized and finally got it in.  I was then given some antibiotic and DH and I waited.. and waited.. and omg we waited.  Anesthesiologist showed up and checked my neck, had me open my mouth and say ahhhhh and said he would see me in surgery.

Then we waited some more.  I think the waiting was more agonizing than anything.  I just wanted to hurry up and get it over with.  I was exhausted and terrified.

My RE finally swooshed into the room and greeted me and then tried to go into the whole "now let's be negative about this whole procedure..." but I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him "I have faith in you..."  He smiled and nodded, and swooshed back out.

Facebooking during Surgery?

It was time to walk back into the procedure room where I hopped up onto a table with the most comfy leg stirrups ever.  The anesthesiologist popped up behind me like a stealthy ninja... and he was preparing to knock my effing lights out.  With my mask on, I asked the room "any last words of good luck??" and the anesthesiologist said "uhhh.. break a leg?" The nurse said "Pretend you're on the beach..."  :0/  Then I was out.

For some reason, I felt awake the entire time, even though I wasn't.  And for some even STRANGER reason, I thought I was updating my Facebook status during surgery.  When I woke up, I asked everyone "Was I awake the whole time?"  They all laughed and said "No." and then I was spouting off how much I loved them and how I wanted to get them all fruit baskets from Edible Arrangements for a job well done.  I didn't even know how many eggs were retrieved, but they finally got me to shut up and said "we have 5 eggs."

REALLY!?  FIVE!?  That was five more than what we originally thought I'd have.  And they were all mature.  Again... bite me RE.

Sock me in the guts 3 more times...

I was in la la land for a few minutes until the medication began wearing off.  I'm gonna curse right now... but holy shit.  Omg... pain.

Freaking hurt.  And I'm not talking about "uncomfortable" or "period-like cramps"... I'm talking about "I remember when I had a c-section" type of pain.  Apparently, my left ovary was hiding, so my RE had to dig around for it.  I think he even put some SCUBA gear on and went in after it.  I felt like I was shot in the stomach with a really small gun (because a big gun would have killed me), and all I wanted the nurse to do was give me drugs to help with the pain.

She did... but it wasn't enough.

Poor DH.  I've not talked about him just yet, have I?  Well, the man was a saint.  He took really good care of me when I was crying on the floor because I was in so much pain that laying down was just out of the question.  He held my hair back when I started barfing up all of the anesthesia (while still crying on the floor), and he rubbed my bloated belly until I finally drifted off to sleep.  He was amazing.

I slept the entire day.  It wasn't until 9pm, (9 hours after the procedure) when I could finally get up and walk around.  I nibbled on some food, but I was still incredibly sore and in a ton of pain.  Then it was time for DH to give me a shot using "the world's biggest freaking needle ever..." in my butt... with progesterone oil.  At that point, I figured there couldn't be anything worse than what I went through that afternoon... so I just assumed the position and let him find a juicy spot to stick me.  He was freaking out more than anything... I just wanted him to get it over with.  It took 3 tries before he finally got it right.  Either I wasn't paying attention or I was still in way too much pain from ER, but I didn't feel it.  Not even with the huge Donkey Kong needle.  Sweeeeeet.

24 HOUR REPORT!

Saturday, February 25, 2012... All of my eggs fertilized.  4 of them were perfect, and the other one was a lazy ass.  I just prayed that at least 3 would make it to my day 3 transfer... and so far, so good.  The embryologist was way more positive than my RE had ever been, and she was telling me that this was all really good news... and I believed her.

48 HOUR REPORT!!

Guess what... we still have all five embies.  4 at a grade 2 (which is like a B) and the lazy ass at grade 3.  But we still have them all.  *shocked face*... Tomorrow we transfer three of the grade 2 and pray that at least one sticks.  I just need one.  Please Lord, let me have just one...

How do I feel today?  I'm still VERY sore.  Not as bad as yesterday, but still bad enough to where I don't want to eat just in case I have to poop.  (TMI!!).  I'm waaaay gassy still, and my left side feels worse than my right.  But I'm so just excited to make it to transfer tomorrow.  I go in at 12:45 but I have to be there by 12:30.  I get to take my Valuim (yesssss!) by 12:15 and I have to drink enough water to make the person next to me have to pee.

I'm so excited.  I just want my babies back in side of me.  I've beat the odds and I can't wait to see my RE tomorrow so I could just give him that *look*... you know which one I'm talking about?  The "now what, punk!?" look.

Then it's the dreaded TWW... but I'm feeling so positive.  More news tomorrow.  :)  Hopefully, it's all golden.

I am infertile

This is my very first post. I wasn't even sure if I had wanted to share this blog with anyone because dealing with infertility has been such a painful journey for these past 2 years.   The word "infertile" to me translates to "failure"... who wants to be a part of THAT club?  I don't.  But unfortunately, I've been an unwilling member and participant since April of 2010.

So if you end up here on my blog, welcome.  I'm so sorry that you have to be here, too.  There's such a huge community for those of us who are trying desperately to bring home our little one, and if there's anything that I can do or say to help just one person get through this journey, then great.  :)

My name is Luna, and I'm infertile.  

Let's start off with the fact that I do have children.  It's been almost 13 years since I've had my youngest, and I'm ready to welcome our last.  I thought it was going to be a breeze since getting pregnant has never been an issue for me before.  I had a little hurdle to jump over this last time because my tubes were tied.  But after we agreed to have "just one more"... all I had to do was have a tubal reversal and then the babies would start coming, right?  Oh my god, so wrong.

My tubal reversal was performed by Dr. Monteith of Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center in April of 2010. He did an amazing job, and I had the best experience there.  After my tubes were repaired and both were shown to be open and healthy, our race to make a baby began.

It took a few months (almost a year to be exact) before I actually did become pregnant on my own.  Unfortunately, like with many tubal reversal pregnancies, it ended up being an ectopic.  Strike one.  But the fact that I could get pregnant on my own was what helped me to make it through that horrendous  experience, and I was ready to try again within the next 3 months.

I did become pregnant again 3 months later, but that one was a chemical pregnancy, and I felt completely defeated.

I've tried doing the Clomid thing, but I wasn't making enough eggs, and after three cycles of being told that my E2 levels were too low, and the chances of becoming pregnant on my own were slim to none, I decided that it was time to pull out the big guns and move on to a more aggressive approach... IVF.

IVF attempt #1

See, my problem is that I'm considered to be "old" even though I feel like I'm 18.  My eggs are matching my age, and so I was diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve (sucks!!!) and something about AMH being equally sucky.  HOW BAD DO MY EGGS SUCK?  Sooo bad that I completely failed the first IVF attempt because I didn't respond at all to the Microdose Lupron Flare protocol.  Both of my RE's just threw their hands up in the air and called it quits on my 8th day of stims and told me to call them when AF arrived.

That was in November of 2011.  I was so crushed.  All of that hard work and sticking myself in the stomach was for nothing.  My RE's didn't even think I should even go for another IVF attempt, so when AF did arrive, they tried for IUI.  I actually responded much better that time with 3 juicy eggs.  I don't know why it didn't work, but I knew in my heart that I wanted to try IVF one more time once AF showed up.

IVF attempt #2

My RE told me "Ok, we'll give it one last shot!" after I begged and pleaded to give IVF another go.  He started me on a new protocol on CD 1-3 which consisted of progesterone suppositories (instead of birth control) to keep my period from showing up.  Well, that lasted for about 3 days, and my period eventually arrived in full force... so my RE told me to double up on BCP for one day, and then take one BCP for the next two days (CD's 2-3)... then on CD 6, I was to start Lupron at 20iu.

Murder scene

My CD3 ultrasound had to be one of the most disgusting YUCK examinations of my entire life.  I was bleeding so heavily that every time my RE moved the wand inside of me, I could feel the blood pour out of me like a faucet.  I'm so sorry if that's TMI, but holy crap, I was humiliated and embarrassed and just wanted to hide in a corner.  My RE and his assistant assured me that there wasn't anything that they haven't seen and to not worry about it... but when the assistant made a "Oh!" noise and grabbed a super duper wipey and bent down to wipe my blood OFF OF HIS SHOE... I died.  Ohhhhh my god... seriously.  Did that really happen?!  Yes.  When the examination was over, I hopped off of the table and it literally looked like a murder scene.  I grabbed as many super duper wipes and went to work PRAYING that nobody would knock or come in to check on me.  I just wanted to clean.

Ok, enough about that story.  Moving right along...

Lupron 20 I mean 10iu

I have a confession to make.  Once I started to stim 3 days after beginning my Lupron injections, I took my dosage of Lupron down to 10iu twice a day instead of 20.  I think Lupron suppressed me way too much the first time around, so I made my own adjustment ... I would NEVER recommend anyone to do that.  Maybe I was being stupid, but it worked.  I've read how Lupron can over stimulate people with my condition, and I didn't want to replay IVF failure #1 by having absolutely no lining or follicles to work with. So my stim schedule/dosage looked like this:

Monday, February 13, 2012 - Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Morning:
150iu Gonal - F
75iu Menopur
10iu Lupron

Night:
225iu Gonal - F
75iu Menopur
10iu Lupron
Baby Aspirin, Zithromax, Dexamethasone, prenatal vitamins


I was SCARED stupid when I went in for my first follicle check after stimming thinking "Omg he's gonna know what I've done,  and I'm going to get in trouble!" but luckily, on stim day 5, my ultrasound showed a perfect uterine lining at 7 and 4-5 good sized follicles on the right ovary, and 2-3 follicles on my left.  *high five!

"On the Fence"

By day10 of stims, my RE stated that he was still on the fence about my making it to retrieval.  I was thinking in my head "Seriously, asshole?  I'm paying YOU to retrieve my eggs. I have at least 4... go in and get them."  I hated that he was so negative about the whole thing.  I thought I was doing FABULOUSLY and was so excited when he kept clicking on the follicles to measure them on the ultrasound.  One, two, three... four... FIVE on the right.  One, two THREE on the left.  That's three more than what we started out with!  I was NOT going to let him give up on me.  He stated over and over again that he doubts I had any mature follicles at that point.  I knew in my heart that he was wrong.  My lining was over 13 and I had a ton of EWCM... my body was ready to have some eggs fertilized.  I WILL MAKE IT TO ER ON FRIDAY!!

Get the hell off the fence

After my blood work came back and showed that I was, in fact, carrying some mature follicles, I was instructed to give myself one more shot (minus the Lupron) and trigger at midnight.  (screams!!!)  I made it.  I knew I would.

I thought I was going to feel a ton of O pains right after trigger, because in the past, once I triggered, I could literally feel the egg pop and (exaggeration in 3, 2, 1) travel down my tubes and completely miss my uterus all together. But this time, I didn't... until 3pm.  Yup... there it is.  Thursday, February 23, 2012.  I was ready for retrieval the following morning.  I'll talk about that in my next post because this one is turning more into a chapter of the bible, and if you've read this far... you're a champ.  ;)