Meltdown in the Barn

I'm eleven weeks pregnant this week, and I look (and feel) more like six months with a belly that's bigger than my best friend's who's around 20 weeks.  Ok, so I know I wasn't in the best of shape prior to starting the whole IVF process, but I didn't plan on showing so soon.  I've even tried sucking in my stomach to see if I still looked pregnant, and yup... I totally do.  So why bother?  Let loose, and accept the bump.

After throwing my back out a few days ago and spending two days trying hard to lay in a position which allowed me to BREATHE pain-free... I decided that at the first moment I began to feel somewhat better, I was going to get the hell out of my room and do some major shopping.  As. I. Should.

I went to the mall and hit up Pottery Barn first, bought a few cute things for my living room... like this really cute birdhouse (the one on the left) and these really pretty lanterns... so naturally, I was happy.

I walked out of the store and went directly next door to Pottery Barn Kids.  I stood outside for a minute contemplating if I should even bother walking in since the thought of shopping for the baby stressed the crap out of me.  But I did.  I walked in.  And I was in cutesy hell.

I've always decorated my other children's rooms with bedding from Pottery Barn.  Look, you get what you pay for, and my kids are always beasts when it comes to taking care of their things... including the beds that they sleep in.  So when their beds look nice even though their rooms resembled the orphanage that little Annie grew up in, I was able to pat myself on the back and call myself a good mother because at least my children were sleeping under expensive duvets.

I passed all of the adorable toddler beds and toys and all of the "we-hope-you-have-a-girl-cuz-our-girl-stuff-is-way-cuter-than-the-boy-stuff" fluff when I entered baby heaven.

I looked up and saw this bird baby mobile hanging above me, and it stopped me in my tracks.  True, it looks like something I could make myself, but I just stood there and cried.  Why I cried, I'm not even sure... but I did.  Those crazy baby hormones got the best of me in front of EVERYONE there in the Barn's baby section.

Thank goodness I look like a huge pregnant cow so people could see that I was hormonal and not just a fluffy woman crying for no reason.

I have to have that baby mobile.  I am so drawn to bird things because birds remind me of my grandfather who bred several different types of birds in his backyard.  I have to have that baby mobile because my heart melted into a puddle of heart goo inside of my chest.  I have to have that baby mobile because... well... because it made me cry.

I held off on buying the mobile for reasons I really can't explain, and I went to Motherhood and pretty much pulled one of everything off of the racks and bought it.  I LOVE the maternity clothes that they have... I only wish those clothes were available a decade or two ago.  When I look back on the hideousness that I wore when I was pregnant with my first daughter (who's almost 20 years old now!), I can't help but weep for my younger self.  Back then I knew I looked ridiculous, but I had no other choice but to wear those overalls. Freaking yikes.  I'm sorry, young self.

It's 4:00 am and I'm not sleeping.  This is nuts.  Is this nature's way of preparing me for what's coming?  Long, sleepless nights with a hungry baby?  Bring it.