7 weeks 1 day

Hello, my sweetest little munkee baby inside of me.  I can't stop thinking about you, and every single day that you remain inside of me, is one more day that I celebrate knowing that for now, you're ok.

I keep watching the video I took of our first ultrasound on Friday.  I can't get over the fact that you're actually in there, heart beating and all.  Sometimes I cry when I watch the video... sometimes I giggle.. but there is no denying that I fall in love with you more and more whenever the thought of you enters my mind.

I can't wait to see you again in another week or so.  I'm so anxious to see just how big you've grown.  I also can't wait to hear your precious little heart beating... by then you should be almost 9 weeks.  How incredible!

According to a website, you are now the size of a blueberry.



How the heck am I going to enjoy blueberries, munkee!? I can't wait until you're the size of an onion or something so that I can enjoy fruit again without thinking horrible thoughts.

I'm still more sleepy than anything, and getting me motivated to go anywhere is like trying to drag a hibernating bear out of a cave.  For people who have never been pregnant, or who've forgotten what this exhaustion is like, they don't understand and get grumpy with me... but it's ok.  I know I'm feeling this way because of you, beautiful one.

Last night we went to a fish fry... what was I thinking?  The smell of fried fish almost sent me over the edge of "Holy crap I'm gonna hurl!" the moment I walked in.  But thank goodness your grandmother saved us a seat OUTSIDE, so it wasn't so bad.

Speaking of your grandparents... they are very excited about you.  I haven't made the "Official Announcement" just yet to the world, but they are having no problems making that announcement for me.  That's ok.  We need their support... and I'm so glad that we have it.  They want you as much as I do, and to me, that's sweeter than apple pie.

Grow, my little one.  I'll do everything I can to keep you safe and nourished.  Mommy loves you...

One little monkey...

This morning I got out of bed at 6:00am after a long sleepless night.  I was so nervous about the ultrasound that I couldn't close my eyes and rest my mind.  There was no peace.

"What if it's a blighted ovum?"
"What if there's a baby, but no heartbeat?"
"What if there's absolutely NOTHING there at all?"

All of those things were running through my head, and I wished I could take an Ambien just so I could fall asleep.  But of course I didn't do that... you know... just in case there really is a baby inside.

My appointment was for 9:00am, and I arrived at 8:30 and sat in the parking lot guzzling down the water that I forgot to drink before leaving.  I didn't want to appear too eager by going into the office and waiting there for 30 minutes, so I found a radio station and waited for 15 minutes.

I was also waiting for DH to show up (not so dear husband in this case), but he forgot and ended up missing the appointment all together.  But let's not talk about that.

Sitting in the ultrasound room in my gorgeous paper skirt trying very hard not to play with the di.ldo cam next to me with the con.dom already on it and that goopy blue ultrasound juice inside just BEGGING for me to squish it, I decided to behave and not mess with the equipment.  Instead, I had my phone in my hand ready to record whatever it was that I was about to see on the large monitor on the wall next to me. After waiting for 10 minutes and debating on whether or not the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi rule would apply to me in this situation (my bladder was about to explode!), the doctor and his assistant finally walked in.

Moment of truth

As soon as the wand reached my uterus, I saw one beautiful dark circle with the sweetest little gummy bear looking little baby inside... heart flickering away and everything!  The doctor pointed out the heartbeat to me, and I broke down and cried.  I was relieved.

Yes, we started out with 3 gorgeous looking embies, but only one made it.  I was a little sad about that, but my body knew what it could and couldn't handle.  We are so blessed with this one precious little monkey, and I wouldn't change anything even if I could.

Baby is measuring at 6weeks 4days even though I'm technically 6weeks 6days, but that's totally normal.  It was just amazing to see that tiny little baby inside of me, and it was even more beautiful to hear the heart beating.

Once the ultrasound was over, and it was confirmed that there was only one baby inside, I was left alone in the room to change into my clothes.  I lost it.  I cried so hard.  Not sure what I was crying about... I was just relieved.

Next ultrasound is scheduled for April 11th.  I should be almost 9 weeks by then.  They wanted me to come back next week, but again, I wanted to wait so I could see how much bigger this little monkey gets. I'm so excited!  I hope these two weeks fly by...

Oh, by the way... I got over the food issue.  I can eat... but the things that I loved before makes me nauseous and gag.  Someone gave me some Preggo Pops, and seriously, I don't know what I would do without them.  They're little candies that are sour and help control all of that yucky extra saliva issue.  Oh God, that's seriously gross.

But other than that, my symptoms are more exaggerated now in my 7th week.  Boobs are PAINFUL, and I can never go through a night without having to pee every 30 minutes.  My butt is still so sore and lumpy from the PIO shots, but I only have 3 more weeks before I can finally ditch the needle and sludge.

I'm always tired.  How can one little baby make me so tired and nauseous?  I don't get it!  But I'll gladly accept these symptoms if that means I get my rainbow baby in the end.

I'll post pics from the next ultrasound since the pics I have now aren't all that great, and you really can't see the baby.  But until then, my world is sweet.  :)

Food?? Yes please and no thank you.

So, I went ahead and canceled my ultrasound for tomorrow (crazy, huh?) because I just couldn't imagine going in to see "nothing much"... Ugh, just typing that out makes me sound selfish and nuts, but I'm serious when I say that it would freak me out so much to not see a heartbeat, and I just couldn't do it.  The stress of not seeing anything really is insane, and I chose to wait one more week.

I'm nuts.  Moving on...

Today, I'm 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I couldn't wake up this morning.  I only got out of bed around 8 to pee for the 100th time, to shove the progesterone pill up my ... well... you know where... then I changed out my estrogen patches... and I went back to sleep until I had to pee again at 11.  Then I went back to bed and finally woke up to eat something around 1:00.  Seriously.  I don't know how women who work out of the home while in their early pregnancies do it.  I haven't even been outside today, and it's almost 5pm!  And I'm STILL wearing my pajamas.

I've noticed that I've lost some weight, too.  I can't eat. I know that I have to for the baby but it's been such a struggle since NOTHING sounds good at all.  I've had a bowl of cereal, and that's it even though I'm really hungry right now.  I'm trying so hard to eat, but anything that I do eat tastes horrible, and I end up throwing it away after just a few bites.

I am so in love with the little bean growing inside of me right now.  That's why it's mind boggling how I can't manage to keep anything down when eating has NEVER been an issue for me.

Gorgeous weather outside (that I can see from my bedroom window)... and I plan on juicing and going back to sleep.

I hope this changes soon...

Beta #3 17dp3dt

Thursday, March 15th, 2012 was one of the worst days for playing the waiting game.  It was the beta that would make or break this cycle, and the number had to be at least 12 or 1300 to keep me in the game.  I was so glad that the blood draw was at 7:30 in the morning even though I could hardly move from bed from just feeling so exhausted.

My nurse usually calls by 1:00pm.  It was now 2:30.  Oh God, that had to be a bad sign, right?  I played the whole "Ok, So Name All of the Things that Could be Wrong" game.  Ta daaaa!  Top 5 answers were on the board... you already know the question.  Can I see "RE's office was held up by gunpoint so they couldn't get to the phone!"  Survey says!?  eeeehhhhh.  How about "All phones at the lab have gone out of service due to a freak glitch in the Matrix!!"  Survey says!  eeeehhhhh...

Finally, after hours of convincing myself that my RE was going to call and give me the bad news of "We've actually been giving you someone else's numbers the whole time... you're not really pregnant." the nurse called.  It was 4:00pm when she told me that my beta number was 1491.8.  Squeeee!  Ok, so the number was supposed to be 12 or 1300, so 1491.8 to me is a victory.  I no longer have to go in for blood draws (yaaay!) and my first ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday, March 21st.

I'm not sure how I feel about having an ultrasound scheduled so early.  I mean, I'm very excited to see this little monkey growing inside of me, but at 5 weeks and 5 days, I'm not sure we'll see very much of anything.  I'm very close to rescheduling my appointment.  I want to be at least 7 or 8 weeks along because I know I'll be sick with anxiety if I don't see a heartbeat.  I'm being ridiculous, huh?

Let's talk about symptoms.  Morning sickness has hit.  Although it doesn't happen in the morning for me at all... it's like there's an alarm clock inside of me that goes off at 10:00pm and I can't function.  My head feels so dizzy that I swear it's going to roll off at any minute.  I also run a really high fever and all I want to do is sleep.

Other than that, nothing really new.  Same symptoms as before.. and oddly enough, I'm thankful for those symptoms.

So, I guess I can stop saying 17dp3dt, 18, 19 now 20dp3dt... I'm going to start saying "I'm 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant."  What do you think?  :)

Yesterday's beta number 2

Yesterday was another one of those mornings where I woke up feeling a heaviness in my chest thinking "oh my goodness, I'm 15dp3dt.. what if something is wrong?" as I got ready to leave for my second beta test.

I know my RE said he wanted to see a number of at least 400... that would have been an excellent number, and we would have been happy with that.

When the nurse called me at 1:00 pm, I held my breath and prepared for the worst.

"Your numbers are rising appropriately and are now at 663.6, so we'll see you on Thursday morning for a repeat HCG."

WHAT!?  You they've more than doubled!?  OmG!!  Im so happy.  I mean, I would have loved to have seen an even higher number, but I think I put too much time and energy into those numbers.  As long as they're rising and keep on doubling, then I guess those numbers shouldn't really mean anything, and I have to stop comparing them to women who are pregnant with multiples.

Maybe I'm just sad to think that one of my embies didn't make it.  I'm thankful that one of them did, and this feeling of actually being able to say that I'm pregnant is more than I could have asked for.

So tomorrow is my third and hopefully final beta.  I'm hoping that we can schedule our first ultra sound so we can finally see this little monkey inside of me and hear/see it's precious little heart beating.

My symptoms are still the same... tired, tired tire TIRED.. heartburn like whoa... frequent urination... sore boobs... SOOO thirsty... oh and have I mentioned that I'm tired?  Yeah, because I am.  But nothing has really changed.  I think that's why I keep wondering if I really am pregnant. Is this even real?  The symptoms come and go (except for the fatigue), so I freak out whenever I put a bra on and my boobs aren't screaming for release.

Fun fact for those of us who've struggled with infertility and loss for so long.  Every little symptom (and lack of) counts.

Tomorrow, I'm going to believe that my HCG levels will more than double again.  I'm ready to see this little one on the ultrasound.  So no 1300... Give me 2000!!!

First Beta

I woke up really early yesterday morning feeling unsure about getting my first beta number.  I think it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, fear, dread...  This was the moment of truth.  In a matter of hours, I would know if I'm truly pregnant or if this was going to be another chemical pregnancy.  I was praying for a beta of at least 100 or above at 14dpo (11dp3dt), so when the dr called me (instead of his nurse), I knew the news had to be good.

... and the number is...

100

So far, so good.  I go back for my next beta on Tuesday, so hopefully that number goes up to over 400. Now it's a whole new waiting game.  Uggggh, this train isn't stopping anytime soon.  Full speed ahead.  ;)

Symptoms... still the same.  Tired.  I used to have such a hard time sleeping and could literally go a day or two without it.  Now, I can't make it to 10:00pm without passing out... and that's WITH having a nap or two during the day.

My bb's are fine.  They only hurt or are sore during the evening, but other than that, I don't feel any different.  I feel cold all of the time, which is weird.  Shouldn't I be feeling warmer?

My dr. gave me the green light to stop progesterone injections, but I think I'm going to continue them (I know. Insane huh?) until I see the baby's heart beat.

But first thing first... Getting the second beta.  Ugggggggh.

Ok, so worried about EVERYTHING

Now that the HPT turned out to be positive... I've been worried ALL DAY about whether or not the second line was dark enough.   I just couldn't be happy knowing that it turned positive to begin with.  I had to search blogs and message boards to see if those who've tested positive on 8dp3dt have also tested positive with a faint line... and if so... what was the outcome??

OmG.  Seriously... I'm driving myself crazy!!

Those of you who have landed here because you too are a POAS addict and wondering what the lines mean and "Shouldn't the line be darker??" ... Can I just give you a great big hug and tell you to put the damn things away?  You have your positive... now give yourself two more days before you decide to pee on another stick.  Easier said than done, I know.  Especially since I've had a few chemical pregnancies, and there's nothing worse than watching those pregnancy tests get lighter rather than darker.

I have put the other tests away.  I know there isn't anything that I can do should this pregnancy not continue... whether or not those tests get lighter or darker, it's not in my hands.  I'm going to enjoy just knowing that as of now, there's another line on that test.  For now, I'm pregnant.

We have a munkee...

Yesterday's faint line on the test turned out to be the real thing.  After spending the day napping off and on and feeling like the room was spinning, I went out to dinner and wanted to throw up from the smell of fish and shrimp and all things that once lived under the sea.  I couldn't WAIT to get the hell out of there!

My sense of smell is crazy right now.  I could smell my daughter's perfume from the other room, and I wanted to wait for her to leave so I could hide it so that she wouldn't wear it ever again.  I noticed this new heightened sense of smell last night when I was laying in bed and smelled dirty feet.  Not sure who's feet were stinky, I just knew that I wanted everyone in the house to take a shower.

Oh, and I could smell my hair.  Yuck.  And I used to LOVE my shampoo!!

My symptoms today are:

More pain in my boobs... like the "Oh, they look like shiny bowling balls... don't touch them or I'll rip your head off." kind of pain.

Soooo sleepy... and when I do sleep, I get some of the craziest dreams.  I'm careful with what I think about before nodding off.

Dizzy... Like I feel the room spinning

I had a bloddy nose last night and then again today.  So weird...

ALWAYS thirsty.  I go through more water bottles a day than I've ever had.

I'm ready

After years of infertility, losses and heartbreak... I pray that this little one sticks.  I have so many plans... so much life to live.  I can't wait for our family to be complete.

6dp3dt

Today I woke up feeling like the walls around me were closing in... and I had such an unsettling feeling that this cycle was a bust.  Why did I feel this way?  I'm not sure.  I just wanted to crawl underneath my blankets and hide there until AF showed her face so I could figure out where to go from there.

Then I decided to POAS.  Why?  I don't even know.  I was so shocked to see the slightest second line appear on a First Response test, and I NEVER get a false positive on those no matter what.  I just carried that test around thinking "hmmmmm... could this be?? There's no way..."

I'm praying that this is the beginning of what's to come next.  I'm praying that we have one or two healthy little bebe's inside of me.

I'm praying that this has worked.

No real symptoms to speak of other than what I've already been feeling since the day of transfer.  Nothing better or worse, so I have really nothing to talk about. I just want to stay positive.

Stick little beans.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much and want you here...

5dp3dt

I slept gloriously last night and didn't even bother crawling out of bed until well after 10:00am.  Other than the fact that I woke up 4 or 5 times to use the bathroom, I was pretty much wrapped in my comforter, snuggled in between pillows and probably snoring from feeling so exhausted.

They should market progesterone shots as a sleep aid.  I used to have to take Tylenol PM or SOMETHING just to help me get to sleep.  Now that I've been injecting this sludge into my butt every night, I can't keep my eyes open past 11:00pm.

I received an email from my clinic stating that I have to start using a progesterone insert in addition to the PIO shots.  Seriously?  How am I going to stay awake during the day?!

I also have to add one more Estrogen patch to the two that I'm already wearing.  This is freaking me out.  Why are they increasing my dosages?  I thought all of this stuff was pretty much working because of the side effects that I've been feeling.  Does this mean that the IVF isn't going to work because my hormone levels are low?  I wish they would have told me why... or what's going on.  But it was a sweet, short and to-the-point email in my portal which ended with a positive note and a smiley face.

Grrrr.

As far as symptoms are concerned, this morning I'm feeling a little bit sore in my uterus.  Not sure if that has anything to do with anything, but it is different.  Everything else is the same except the swelling in my stomach has gone down even more.  It's taken five days after the transfer for the swelling to go away.  Oh, and my face is all flushed and hot like I was sitting outside on a summer day for 10 minutes... That's because I'm half vampire, and the sun burns my skin if I don't find shade.

I'm not POAS today.  I figured that it would be a waste, and I don't think I could handle seeing a BFN, so I'll just enjoy the day by watching some really good movies (Junebug and Eternal Shine of the Spotless Mind), do some light cleaning and maybe catch up with friends.

I've been avoiding everyone because I haven't told any of them what I've been going through.  They have no idea of the journey we've been on these past few weeks, and for some reason, I'm just not ready to share.

4dp3dt

Here I am, four days past my 3 day transfer, and I'm feeling GREAT!  Is that a good thing?  Should I be feeling anything else?  I'm not sure, but I'm up and about and getting back into the swing of things.

For the past three days, I've literally been parked on the couch, bed or lazy-boy following my dr.'s strict rules of "nothing that will cause your uterus to bounce around".  My entire life is one big bounce house, so following those rules has been nothing short of keeping a wild animal caged because I'm like a toddler who can't sit still... but I did it!!  Thinking about the possible positive outcome is worth vegging out if that means we'll get our take home baby.

Trash TV & Queen

I've watched all sorts of trash tv and wondered how people get through life not knowing who the father of their children are and have to take lie detector tests to prove what their spouses have already suspected.  I've also passed some major judgment on the ladies from The View and vowed to never watch the show again.  I'm all caught up on Teen Mom and secretly feel jealous that those little bricks got pregnant in the first place.  ANNNND I've finally searched the lyrics for Bohemian Rhapsody, so I feel complete.

Well HELLO Dolly!

Today, I've been out all morning (literally).  Almost didn't make it to my 7:30 blood draw appointment to check my E2 and Progesterone levels.  I was rushing to the dr.'s office wondering why I had to go in the first place.  Then I looked down because something caught my eye.  My boobs have doubled in size, and I felt like they were trying to eat my necklace.  So I zipped up my hoodie... (put them away!)

As far as symptoms are concerned, like I said, I really don't have any other than possibly D cups, a swollen belly, and endless sleepiness.  I can probably thank the progesterone shots for all of that, though, since it's waaay too early to be pregnancy symptoms.

Have stick? Will pee.

Being the POAS addict that I am, I went this morning to the store and stocked up on a ton of pregnancy tests to pee on in the next few days.  Ohhh yeah, I'm one of THOSE who test out my HCG trigger shot by purchasing a basket full of dollar tree pregnancy tests and proceeding to piss on every single one until I'm convinced the trigger shot has left my system.

Speaking of which, I have to tell you, if you work at a store (any store) and someone approaches your counter with a gazillion pregnancy tests to purchase, please try as hard as you can to not say something stupid (or whatever you consider to be clever at the moment) such as "Wow! You really want to make sure, don't cha?" and proceed to tell me about how you didn't know you were pregnant for 3 months because you weren't trying.   I'm capable of responding with something as equally annoying.

Soooo, now that I've taken a few tests and I'm totally convinced that my trigger is completely out of my system, I'll know that any line I see from here on out will be the "real thing"... So let the games begin.

3dp3dt

I think I'm just about normal again... Other than the huge bruises and bumps from the progesterone injections (PI) on my backside, and my boobs that feel like they're about to fall off at any moment if they're not in my bra, I feel ... boring.

One more week to find out if any of this has worked.  I don't know why I feel so down today. Just blah.  I just want to sleep all day long, and it's depressing.

What's Going On?

Because I'm so bored, I did some searches on what's going on with my embies right now, and this is what I found out..  Kind of interesting!

 3-DAY TRANSFER:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

So, today, 3dpt, my blastocyst is hatching out of the shell. So weird. Why do I know this? xD